To get respect, you have to show respect, right?
Sometimes it's hard to say yes to this question. People don't just get respect, nor do they always deserve it just because of who they are. Just because you are family or older than someone does not automatically mean you deserve anything actually. We all need to make sure that we make efforts to show we are worthy of each other in one way or another. That we know our actions and words affect one another in a way that will lead us on a path of respect or of disrespect.

One person can only take so much insinuation that they are being disrespectful to someone who never shows respect for anyone but themselves. You think I have an attitude? You don't like my tone? If you could hear what I say in my head, you'd really find out what I really think about you at times. Alas, you'll never be privy to the thoughts that float around in my mind. You'll see some of them, they pop up sometimes because of the ludicrous things you say that build up on each of my nerves until I can't hold in any scoffing or snide remarks. Sorry but at times I honestly think you deserve the bed you're in, after all, you made it. You made choices and those misguided choices have consequences. It's time you realized that you aren't all that you think you're cracked up to be. In fact, you've turned into the very thing you turn your nose down at, the very thing you judge and have such displeasure with. If you want someone to respect you and your thoughts and your feelings, you need to respect yourself first. Until then, don't expect a thing from me.

Why am I up so Early?

I have no idea why I couldn't sleep today- Woke up at 5am (I think) and then again at  5:50- It's weird. I don't know where my mind is...Actually I kind of do. It's in the gutter- a dirty dirty gutter- where I am ravaged by my the last guy I dated. Does that mean I'm sexually frustrated? I think so, I don't have too much experience with that feeling, but if this is it, well fuck.
It's been six months since any thing physical has happened for this girl, and really, it's not like there was a whole lot going on before, but Z did know his way around the playground. Something to be said for that, he was focused when we were having an adult sleep over, that's for sure.

Ironically- or maybe not so ironically, I started thinking about O. Mostly because I'll be heading up to Sacramento (near where he hales from) later this week. All I can seem to think about is possibly texting or calling him to see if he wants to get lunch when I'm done up there, maybe take me to see his house. That's right, his house. He bought one, which is very cool and a big step for him. I'm thinking though, that I'm being very presumptuous, I mean, if I even hear back from him, why do I think he'd even take me to see the house? And why do I want to go? One of two reasons, to see it and to the ohh and ahh thing, but also, possibly, maybe, see if we can get a quickie in?  What? That's a dumb thing to ponder, and again presumptuous. It's not like I have guys knocking on my door, and O and I had  different views about our physical relationship-or roles I guess I should say. Ones that left me as the one not the satisfied. No bueno. So why would I even contemplate the idea of sleeping with O again? Because we only did it the one time, just once, and every time after that, nothing ever happened. Ever. He always talked a big game, but never followed through. He'd always bail.  Curiosity killed the cat.  But again presumptuous.

I'm pretty sure a lot of this frustration is stemming from an email I wrote to  Z recently. After the way he broke things off I feel at a loss about what to do next. I mean I know I can date other guys and see where that leads, but he left things so unfinished. He never told me why it is that he really wanted to break things off, just that he "didn't want a relationship right now." Which at the time and even now, makes no sense. The week before I left for Seattle, he told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me and knew that that was what I wanted to. We weren't official when I came back, and I didn't bring it back up  because I had decided to go with the flow of things, not push, like I did with O. Although circumstances with O and Z were very different, I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I guess I was wrong though. I tried writing Z and just asking him to be honest with me about why he did what he did. Did I get a response? No. Am I surprised? A little. I wasn't asking him to date me in that message, just to tell me what happened to make him change his mind about us, about me, in quite literally ,the span of 10 hours.

After that- I just thought about him-and stuff we did- in bed and out- and now I'm up writing in my LJ about possibly being sexually frustrated, when really I'm just lonely. I love my family- but I'm tired of always being at home with them. I want to be at home with some one who sleeps next to me, cuddles, talks to me about their day, their frustrations, ect. I want whoever my other half is supposed to be, to show up now. That would be dandy.

Lunch Time

Recently, I remet a guy, MM, I knew when I was six years old, and the only thing I remember is that he and I played with bubbles one day at my house on the front steps, we spilled some bubbles and my mom came out, falling and hurting her knee. Having said that & fastforward 20 years later, we've remet at his mom's joint birthday party for herself, husband and two children. MM seemed nice, again hadn't seen this kid in 20 years. So, we talked briefly over the 45minutes that he was there (I got there late). I proceeded to do what anyone this day does, I looked him up on facebook. Low and behold, there he was. + Add Friend, complete.

During our brief convos at said birthday party, I discover he works for a company in SF and will be moving out there shortly, currently resides in Berkley, where he went to college. Interesting, we talk a bit about my internship & then other things happened, hey it's a birthday party for two kids and two adults, so our talking was a little limited.

Two weeks ago while walking on my lunch, I think to myself, I should message him to see if he's here/ available one day to get coffee. Kind of random but he did accept my friend request so that's good. I message him, forgetting I won't actually be in the city for a week due to work conflicts with my full time job ( I had a wedding to go to & OMG Kim, my friend, looked amazing.) So he said to just hit him up the next time I was out. Last night I did just that.

I did the add and the message with the intent to reconnect (I guess we can use that here) with someone who I knew a very long time ago. So, we met up at a local cafe and chitchatted for about an hour.  He actually hasn't moved yet, but has friends in the city he can stay with and he still has his place in Berkley. He didn't remember me, which is fine. We knew each other a very long time ago for a brief moment in time. So, no offense was taken and I'm hoping he didn't thinking I was a crazy lady adding him and then asking him to coffee. I also found out his grandfather, a man I knew by randomly seeing him at Walmart, passed away three weeks ago. He and my mom's friend reconnected a few years ago(he lived with said grandfather and his grandmother growing up). He, again, seems like a cool guy to get to know. He asked if I like baseball, I do. And then we talked about his brothers and sister while we walked back towards Zest/ BART. He said we should get together again, kind of off handed so I'm not sure if he wanted to or if he was just saying it as a nice parting. Either way, I said yea. So I guess that means I wasn't a crazy chick. ;)

It was kind of nice going into something with no expectations and come out with a good feeling. And side note, tomorrow's my BIRTHDAY! Yay!

Liquid Courage

There's something to be said for that moment during intoxication when you think to yourself "fuck it, I'm calling him or her." And then there are the moments after, your headache, body ache, hangover and then the realization that "oh fuck, I called him/her."

That moment was mine this past weekend. Not only was it an O.M.G. moment, apparently I not just called O, but apparently I was "pretty bold" with some of the things I said to him.

A little background perhaps? O and I dated for about 6 months, last year, he broke up with me citing "I don't know what I want" and "You're to good for the way I'm treating you" as the main reasons. Partially true, partially bullshit. Anyway, three months after that time he contacted me, I was starting a new job and things in my professional life were looking up. Naturally, we started talking again, I mean I never stopped having feelings for him, I probably never will until I find my person, my soul mate, so until then whenever he calls me to say hi or rather texts me, I'll be that pathetic girl I was when we reconnected.

So we started talking again, went bowling-going out more than when were actually together- irony anyone? But then again we weren't together, I don't know what we were doing. We both wanted to be around each other again and see one another, but he was moving back up north, far way (ok not far, but like a 3 hour drive away). I was working 40+ hours a week. There's no real reason why it couldn't have worked, but with my  my will to want it and his lack of will. Then I kept getting hurt by his empty promises and the attention I did get from him, I grasped to like straws, but it was pretty much on his terms because it seemed like I was just too needy. So, I was the one to break things off that time. It was pretty brutal, honest and to the point. I was tired , tired of going back and forth, of him acting like he was into me wanting this work but then I was an after thought, it always came back around to "I thought about it" with no action. I need action. I need taking the initiative. Show me you want me, make me yours, none of this back and forth crap. I am someone's priority, not their after thought. So that was it. I stopped talking to him, it was hard, I'm pretty sure I loved him and it hurt. But it was for the better.

Since then, we've kept in distant contact, I've had as semi-relationship and dates here and there since breaking things off. It would be a lot easier if when he did text to say "hi" if I were in a relationship so that way I could just be brieft and not think too much into talking to him. But he seems to have this uncanny ability to contact me when I've talked about him as an after thought.

Return to this weekend.

I attended a wedding reception where there just so happened to be an open bar. Several vodka cranberries later there I stood outside with my friends and all of a sudden I was on the phone with none other than O. Much of our conversation I honestly can say, I don't remember. I know he was out with his cousins, the were going to a "cinco de mayo" bar, unintentionally, I told him about a guy my friend introduced me to, that I was looking pretty amazing (I cleaned up real well), and he was laughing a lot at what I was saying. That much, I remember. So during my infamous next day recovery, boy was it a process, I got a text. "How are you feeling missy?" and a crazy happy face. We talked about the night before and he asked me a few times, if I remembered talking to him. Honesty is always best, so I told him I remembered talking to him, however, what that conversation entailed ( it was a lengthily call) I could not for the life of me remember.

Apparently some of that conversation included me telling him that he just f*** me and then stopped talking to me. (partially true) and second, that I guessed  I couldn't give him what other girls do....What!?

O.M.G. was the only thought in my head because I honestly could not remember anything I had said that would have come close to that. He took it well though, I guess, he was talking to me.

So that liquid courage stuff, it's real. I never knew how real until this weekend, but I know I will not be drinking like that again for a very long time.

Pondering Thoughts

Two weeks ago, one of the supervisors at my current job was working one of his last shifts. He was wandering up and down the isle talking to other team members and came by my desk. He came by my desk and we talked about his new job a little bit and then about how I am now working weekends.

Backing up a few steps- back in April I requested to change my work schedule to be Sat-Wed, to have Thursdays and Fridays off, in order to work an internship in San Francisco.

Any who, he asked me why and I was honest, the fact that he would be leaving in two days gave me a sense of security that he wouldn't blab, I said I was doing a publishing internship in SF. His next words kind of rocked me, and still do.

"That's dedication."
Me- "I know, but I want to do it so I'm getting it done."

  here's where I got rocked
"You know your too talented to work here, right? You know that."

All I could do was say "I know,"  but I mean really? I had barley worked with this particular supervisor, like at all, and wow, what a compliment?

So, here I am trying to figure out what I should do next. I've started the Copy Editing course my Intern manager gave me- it's helping- and I'll just start to go from there...

I want...
I want the guy who will be standing on my front lawn waiting for me to get home because he couldn't wait to see me. The guy who, even if we were both wrong and fought, is still waiting for me, wanting me, needing me just as much as I need and want him. The one who will sit in front of my house waiting to talk to me when he messed up, just to make it right, just to see me again and try to explain what it is or what it was that went wrong.

I don't want barriers, I want honesty. Full blown, open, raw honesty. I don't care how long I've known you for, feelings feel the way they do because they are intense, that's what they are supposed to feel like. If you're over the moon about me, tell me. If your scared, worried that things might be moving too fast like, how could you be feeling like this in such a short amount of time?, kind of feelings. You're not the only one. But I'll be damned if I'll be lied to. That I'll let myself be open and honest and forget about my worries, my concerns, about being scared or over thinking things, and have you tell me what you said didn't mean what you meant it meant. That I some how I misinterpreted you saying you wanted me and only me and now you don't know what you want.

Let me fill you in, sir. You. Want. Me. and if you're honest with yourself, You. Are. Scared. So, suck it up, put your big boy pants on and use your words. If you can tell a girl that you care about her, that you want her, you show her that you want her and she gives herself over to her. Don't take it for granted.  If I've given you a little back like into my past love life to help me and us get on the same page, don't you sit there and tell me that you understand, that I "don't have to worry about that with [you]" but then turn around and punish me by ignoring me and coming up with that lame ass fucking excuse. You knew what you wanted when we were in bed, when you made promises and plans for us. Grow the fuck up.  

Good things ar coming...

So, I've got a new job (yay!). I start Tuesday full time througha new temporary agency working for a medical home monitoring system. It's similar to my time at Honda, taking inbound calls from patients and updating test results for their doctors. I'm happy to be getting out of the house again and this opportunity couldn't have come at a better time because I leave for Seattle on April 11th! So I'll have at least one weeks of pay and my final EDD check before heading off for 5 days. I cannot wait!
I talked to C and she and I still have to figure out what touristy / non-touristy things to do while I'm out there visiting her and A. So far I've asked her to take me to their public library, because it looks great! So there's that, Space Needle, the very first Starbucks...Taking the ferry to see the location for Grey's Anatomy. So there's stuff for us to do.

Another positive, I've started dating again, really good because I was starting to think too much about my ex again...Mostly because he asked to see me recently, he was in town, and I agreed. I mean I still wanted us to stay friends after everything, because I'm that freaking awesome, so I didn't think much about it. I hadn't seen him since December and last talked to him in January-ish...with the exception of texting him on St. Patrick's day. That was the day we met last year, so I thought it made sense to just say hi. But new guy, Z, is pretty great. First date I got flowers and I always get my doors opened for me. :) There's something about that chivalry I'll always like and want in a guy, who knows where this might go.

On a side note, my friend A, has an old co-worker, J, who has a crush on me. I've never really thought too much of it and just thought that was sweet, but honestly I'm not attracted to this guy. She's tried to sell me on him a few times, only because he said something to her. And here's part of my issue, when I first had come to A's work and met her team, I was heavier than I am now. And at that time I think I had just started to date my ex, O. ANYWAY, the next time I saw J was after I had broke up with O and since that time I had lost a lot of weight. Now J, by no means, at the time was "fit" or slender, he was a pretty big dude. A and I went out and walked around her store and by the time we had come back J had gone to lunch and another associate was there. She then told us how after we left, J kept talking about me and said that I had lost a lot of weight. Here's my issue, so was I not as attractive when I was like a size bigger, but now all of a sudden I am? WTF? I looked just the same before my break-up, dude. Now granted, since that happened J has started a new job and is slimming down...Which I didn't even notice until A pointed it out the last time I saw them at her going away party.

J's a nice enough guy...but there's a but. And this last friday when we all hung out, he text her that he'd like her to work on me to go out with him and this was my response. "Ok, I'd probably go out on a date with him, but really more because I'd feel bad about saying no. I mean you never know what can happen on a date with someone. So, I think I'd probably go on a date with him." And the very next day I get a message from him. Bah...we'll see what happens. I know this probably sounds a shallow, but whatever. I know what I like and am a pretty good judge of character with people. J seems like a cool guy to hang out with and get to friends with, but date...I'm not so sure. Part of me wants to tell A this, but then I also don't want her to get all "oh my god!" on if I'm asked on that date I'll go and see what happens...maybe by then Z and I will be a little more exclusive?

On another note, Z and I have so much in common, it's weird! I do like him and am excited to see him again...and kiss him again. ;)

That's all for now, Happy Easter!

Things are looking up...
Well, I heard back from Zest Books, we're going to settle on an interview time and I'll cross my fingers that I get this internship offer. It's 2-3 days a week 10am-4pm in San Francisco (yay!)...Also got an interview opportunity for a customer service position in Livermore working for a medical supply company. It's a temp to hire position so we'll see what happens tomorrow!

It's in the cards...

Last night I went to a girls night with my friend Andrea and some of her friends from High School. Her friend Jaimee and her sister Jen were hosting it at her house, Jenn is getting into being a make-up artist and she asked a group of girls if they wanted to come over and have a make-up and margaritas night. She needed to start building her portfolio. It was great. She did different looks on each of us.
One of Jaimee's friends, Julie, brought her tarot cards and said she could do readings for us, so while one lady had her make-up done another had a reading. I decided to make my question be about a career in publishing, more specifically if if pursuing a career in publishing/ production, the right path for me. Surprisingly or not so surprisingly the cards told me that I would find happiness and be successful in that choice. I don't mean getting published, but a career in that field would definitely be ideal, I mean I really enjoy reading/ books. The fact that my schedule is so open now because I'm not working would really help me get an idea about this profession and if I have what it really takes to pursue it.

I guess only time will tell, I'm going to email Orange Avenue this week and make sure I submit my application for the library assistant position that opened up locally.

Let the cards fall were they may. I truly believe that tarot can tell help you along a path that you are considering, so I'm going to make some more conscious effort.

Here's putting the positive vibe in the universe!

Girls in White Dresses
So I have a job interview today, yay! The only thing that is an issue is that I can't remember if the position is part time or full time...Or what the pay is, but I'm not too worried, I just need to get out of the house and start working again, even if it's part time and not as much as I was making before. As long as I can pay my bills coming up t the end of the month, I'm good.

This morning I finished Girls in White Dresses, I have to say, I am very satisified with this read and with how the eneding turned out. It was a nice change and again, refreshing, from what I have een reaing before. It has realistic characters and situations of women in their early / late twenties that I could and couldn't relate to, but I under stood what they were going through most of the time. I, more than likely, would and am going to recommend this book to most of my friends from high school and college.

That's all for today.

Wish me luck on my interview! 


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